trying to learn from people...

i had a discussion with my aunt not too long ago about how she 'endured' the single life... she wasn't married until she was about 30. i'm having a hard time clinging on to my sanity and i'm 11 days shy of turning 21. i can't imagine another 9 years of waiting... no dates. no men worth my time. nothing. losing hope is hard to stop. i want to be dating and getting dating experience. i've also been seeing lately the trust and heart i put into people... only to have it broken and mangled. people are hurtful. some are worth our love and kindness but it doesn't feel like more than 8 people fit that quota for my life right now. i'm venting on here because this isn't read by many and posting it on facebook to 500+ people is just not what i'm going for. i don't want to seem weak but i'm weak right now. i think i do a pretty good job with holding myself together and right now that hold is very very difficult. between my desires to date then get married then have a person in this world i can fully trust and confide in, with EVERYTHING are starting to overwhelm me. my brain and heart can't really take much more of this. i feel inadequate. i fell that i am always picking other people up without getting picked up in return when i need it. i fell like i'm dating 'Z' again. like no matter how bad my life sucks, i can't feel sorry for myself because someone is always worse off than i am. News flash... i am FULLY aware that my life could be alot worse... but there is also a reason that it isn't. i.couldn't.handle.it. so please, stop telling me to "look on the bright side because things could be worse". I KNOW! i want a moment to feel sorry for myself... you know... have my OWN pity party. not throw them for every other person who is having issues. i need a ME moment. without interruption. just need to relax and think. this is where i fall into sin. i can't let that happen. things are going to get better and i can't lose my focus now. the more i don't do the things i need to, the farther my life slips away from beginning. if i keep an open mind and open heart, i will find a man that will treat me like i deserve to be treated and not let me down. we will fall in love. we will get married. we will have our children. i don't want to ever lose sight of the reason i married my husband. i don't plan to.

wishing and dreaming...

tonight i watched a wedding video of a friend of mine. she is adorable and has one of the sweetest personalities ever. in here video, they had done cute little interviews with the bride and groom asking them about their first date and when did they know they were supposed to be together kinda thing. then they asked them the proposal story. i cried hearing about how much love they had and how it was all rushing to her as he got down on one knee and asked her to be his for eternity. that is so epic and amazing. as much as i think i probably won't cry when my prince charming proposes... i'm sure i will anyway. i can't wait to meet him. i can't wait to fall in love. i can't wait to plan our wedding and the rest of our lives together. i can't wait. he's out there. i just have to find him. and when i do, you best believe i'm not letting him go. i have this whole plan in my head about how he'll come sweep me off my feet because it DOES happen. there are also the ones who are best friends first and then they fall in love. Something Borrowed just came out and it has to be one of my absolute favorites because i can relate to it very well. my rep consists of being the relationship therapist who is never really in a relationship. i have, basically, zero relationship experience personally. i learn what i know through others and through watching people go through their relationships. i learn where lines are with different people. if i see something good happening, i help stir that fire and help them trust each other. if i see it not working, i let one or both of them know what i'm observing. sometimes a third party's perspective is better than your own. i am far from an expert at being a girlfriend, fiance, and wife. but i have learned alot from the people i'm around all the time. hopefully it'll pay off.

count your blessings...

today has been better than yesterday. things get in the way of my life and i have this major problem with allowing it! little things can bring me down and then return me back just as fast. today, i have felt lonely... which happens to everyone. don't worry i'm completely okay. just dealing with the single life... we've all been there. i'm 20, i shouldn't be wanting to rush into a relationship and marriage... but right now i'm at one of those times when i want to just be married and moving on. i want to be picking out a wedding dress and doing all the fun things that brides get to do. but here i sit, at my ever-faithful computer typing my whine fest.

tonight mom, dallas and i went to an ASL Talent Show. it was a fundraiser for Mountain View's Sign Language club and also another Deaf non-profit organization. We were watching the performances and they had interpreters and there were some students that chose to sign songs. this made me so grateful for my hearing ability. i can not imagine going through life without ever hearing anything. not a baby crying or the sweet voice of Josh Groban.

Deaf people don't consider themselves as disabled. they just have a different way of life, they are a different culture.

i appreciate the gift of hearing today.