trying to learn from people...

i had a discussion with my aunt not too long ago about how she 'endured' the single life... she wasn't married until she was about 30. i'm having a hard time clinging on to my sanity and i'm 11 days shy of turning 21. i can't imagine another 9 years of waiting... no dates. no men worth my time. nothing. losing hope is hard to stop. i want to be dating and getting dating experience. i've also been seeing lately the trust and heart i put into people... only to have it broken and mangled. people are hurtful. some are worth our love and kindness but it doesn't feel like more than 8 people fit that quota for my life right now. i'm venting on here because this isn't read by many and posting it on facebook to 500+ people is just not what i'm going for. i don't want to seem weak but i'm weak right now. i think i do a pretty good job with holding myself together and right now that hold is very very difficult. between my desires to date then get married then have a person in this world i can fully trust and confide in, with EVERYTHING are starting to overwhelm me. my brain and heart can't really take much more of this. i feel inadequate. i fell that i am always picking other people up without getting picked up in return when i need it. i fell like i'm dating 'Z' again. like no matter how bad my life sucks, i can't feel sorry for myself because someone is always worse off than i am. News flash... i am FULLY aware that my life could be alot worse... but there is also a reason that it isn't. i.couldn't.handle.it. so please, stop telling me to "look on the bright side because things could be worse". I KNOW! i want a moment to feel sorry for myself... you know... have my OWN pity party. not throw them for every other person who is having issues. i need a ME moment. without interruption. just need to relax and think. this is where i fall into sin. i can't let that happen. things are going to get better and i can't lose my focus now. the more i don't do the things i need to, the farther my life slips away from beginning. if i keep an open mind and open heart, i will find a man that will treat me like i deserve to be treated and not let me down. we will fall in love. we will get married. we will have our children. i don't want to ever lose sight of the reason i married my husband. i don't plan to.